Milenec

I have fallen in love with many men who could never return my love, but I have always found the courage to reveal my feelings. To this day, I still care for these men and am happy to meet them. Among my enduring emotional constants is Marínek Miláček, to whom I have dedicated more than one of my poems—whether covertly or openly.

MARÍNEK DARLING – ANYTHING YOU WANT

An angel will enter your life
Should you discover the beauty of Marínka.
Yet it will not bring what you desire,
When you want it, or perhaps never at all.

First it makes your head spin,
That you want to meet him again,
But it doesn't grant what you want,
If you want it, certainly never.

Only when you sever all ties
And you will exhaust your hearts to death.
At the same time it will bring you what you want,
When you still want what you never did.

For an angel binds fetters into life,
If you do not know yourself, again and again to exhaustion.
It brings you what you want,
If you truly want, like never before.

Marínek Miláček or whatever you want.

April 27, 2002, 9:55 PM, Písek – House of Horror

It was Marínek Miláček who taught me not to love men who cannot return my love, for whatever reason. So I close my heart there too – where love would remain unfulfilled.

– and so sorry, or something like that
– look, there were really plenty of those women
and sometimes I still feel empty, memories, but nothing more
– so maybe somewhere else
– perhaps m.m.

*

The list wouldn't be complete if I didn't mention David, who lived with me for a full eleven months sometime in the early second millennium.

BEAUTIFUL DAVID

You are most beautiful when you fall asleep – right after falling asleep,
for that is when you free yourself and begin to breathe.
Your breath is suddenly deeper and louder.
Falling asleep, you awaken the man within.

Suddenly you are most beautiful, surpassing the beauty of all beauties,
the immense beauty of Juliet on her bier,
the beauty of handsome Antony, the beauties of nature.
There is only one – Beautiful David.

As if lit by the most experienced lighting technicians,
your skin is supple, your eyes calm and light,
your lips honeyed and quiet, your voice enclosed
sings the purest melody in its throat.

In sleep you are someone else, in your sleep
is your strength, your virtue – and yet you do not know it.
That is why I sleep by day, and stay awake all night
over your beauty, which I will write about one day.

No matter how poetically I waxed back then, not even a poetry collection named Beautiful David could save my "marriage". But it was the first relationship where I learned to love a man in everyday life—with bursts of anger, without the advice of cards—I wasn't reading cards back then yet—rather, I complicated everything with them. Much like a poet needs to know what the pain of love and the pain of life are, a tarot reader needs to touch his own wounds.

*

And then there was a man who was significant to me—a man who introduced me to the world of men—who let me experience the love of a man—a man who had a wife, who knew that he liked men. A man who was a good lover to me for a long time—and who taught me—what it means to be

A lover.