05.01 TONY – Green Dot July 11 at 17:30 – 19:50

11.7.

Greyish clouds descend so low that it seems as though one could reach up and pluck a piece of silence. Ozone stings the nose and a warm scent of iron rises from the asphalt, but the rain still holds the first drop between its teeth. When it finally falls, it knocks gently on the surface like someone who is afraid to enter uninvited. Water runs down the glass ceiling in thin arteries that crawl upstream toward the sky.

17:38 BreakTheSilence: "I see you online."

17:40 Swimmer2004: "Just scrolling. Not looking for anything."

17:41 BreakTheSilence: "Then let me not look for anything with you."

TONY

I climbed out of the pool, water dripping from me and leaving wet footprints on the tiles. I quickly dried off and hurried to the locker room. I changed into clean clothes and headed for the exit. Mom was already waiting for me in the car in the parking lot. Her driver was behind the wheel.

I got into the back and the car started moving. Mom turned around and began talking about her and Dad's plans for the end of the summer. Something about a vacation in the Alps and how they would like me to go with them. I only listened with half an ear, my thoughts were elsewhere.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and opened Grindr. I was browsing the profiles of guys nearby when I came across that face. It was Viktor. My heart skipped a beat.

I eagerly clicked on his profile; what I saw shocked me a little, though not really that much. I swallowed hard. I hesitated for a moment, but then I added him to my favorites. My own profile was vague like every third one on here. No photo, nothing. Just a gray icon. I took a deep breath. I didn't know what to expect from it, but something was drawing me to Viktor. Something I couldn't put a name to yet.

I slipped my phone back into my pocket and tried to focus on Mom's monologue. She was talking about a mountain cabin she and Dad wanted to rent and about hikes in the area. I nodded, but my thoughts were still with Viktor. Who is he, anyway? What is he hiding? And why did he get under my skin like that?

The car stopped in front of the gate to Sapa. We got out and headed inside. Shops and merchandise stalls stretched as far as the eye could see. I breathed in the scent of spices and exotic food. For a moment, I forgot about Viktor and let myself be carried away by the hustle and bustle of the place.

But only for a moment. Viktor's face crept back into my mind. His eyes, his lips… I shook my head. No, I mustn't think about that now. I'm here with Mom and I need to focus on the present. And yet… Something told me this meeting wasn't a coincidence. That Viktor had entered my life for a reason. And I was determined to figure out what that reason was.

I'm standing in front of the temple gate and looking around. Sapa is full of life today, people are bustling back and forth, shopping, talking, laughing. I take in the atmosphere and feel a strange sense of belonging fill me up. I'm at home here, among my own people.

I walk through the gate and step into the courtyard with Vietnamese statues of gods and a statue of the Golden Buddha. I take an incense stick, light it, and place it at the feet of the Buddha. I squat down and let my thoughts flow.

I think about life, about my family, about swimming. About what everyone wants from me. Mom wants me to be the best. To win races, to represent our country. Dad supports me in that. They have high expectations of me, but I know they do it for my own good. They want me to achieve something in life.

After a while, I get up and leave the temple. I stop by to see Filip, my favorite tattoo artist. We make small talk, catching up on what's new. Filip is a cool guy, we get along well.

Then I move on, to Mrs. Mai Lan's small cafe. Mom has a meeting with her friends there. I sit with them for a moment, having a great caramel coffee. Mrs. Mai Lan always treats me like her own. We sit on low cushions around a table and I listen to Mom and her friends discussing the news. I'm glad Mom has her own background here, that she can go out like this and chat.

I wonder if Mom has any idea that I'm into guys. We've never talked about it. I feel like it would be hard for her to accept. She wants the best for me and pictures my life differently. With a nice Vietnamese wife and a bunch of kids. Someday I'll have to tell her. But not yet. Right now I have to focus on swimming.

That feeling won't leave me—I want a tattoo. A little dolphin. I've been thinking about it for a long time, but now I feel it clearly. I just don't know where. Maybe on my ankle? Or my shoulder? I've always admired how dolphins swim, their elegance and strength. It reminds me why I chose swimming. That freedom of movement in the water, the feeling when I glide through the pool. A tattoo could be like a memory of everything I've achieved thanks to swimming. I'm thinking of dropping by Filip's studio. Maybe he could advise me on where to put it.

I say goodbye to the people at the table, to Mom and Mrs. Mai, who is sitting next to her sipping from her cup of green tea. I quietly signal my intentions to Mom with a light touch on the shoulder and a glance toward the door; she nods almost imperceptibly. I set off, hearing the rest of the company continue their conversation behind me, their voices gradually fading as I walk away. I feel Mom's worried eyes on me, but I know she understands I have to go.

Sapa comes alive with a different kind of life in the evening. The smell of food wafts from the restaurants, people stand around in groups, laughing and discussing animatedly in Vietnamese. I head to my favorite noodle shop, where I order pho. They know me there already, the lady behind the counter smiles and nods at me. The hot soup does me good, calming me down after a demanding training session. I feel my muscles relaxing and my mind clearing. I think about the dolphin, tracing it on a napkin with my finger. I imagine its graceful movements, the perfect technique I'd like to mimic. Maybe I could show Tom how to do it tomorrow. I sip the broth and let myself be surrounded by the homely atmosphere that reminds me of my roots.

Then I stop by the barber. I sit in the chair, listening to the buzzing of the clippers and feeling my hair fall away. I look at myself in the mirror—I look better, my features are sharper. I'm always comforted by the routine, that familiar feeling. The barber asks me if it's too short, but I just smile. I know exactly what I want. Before a race, I need everything to be perfect, even the haircut. When he wipes the last trimmings from my neck, I close my eyes for a moment and imagine myself gliding through the water tomorrow. Clean, aerodynamic, ready.

I message Filip on Messenger: "Are you still at work?" I wait for a reply, nervously tapping my fingers on the edge of my phone. I know it's Friday night and most people went home long ago, but Filip is a workaholic.