028.01 TOM – Smoking Room Sep 15 at 22:30 – 23:30

15.9.

Dense tobacco smoke rises to the ceiling, twisting into the calligraphy of transient words. The neon buzzes in an uneasy rhythm, yet the eyes still cling to the smoke rings that are born and immediately vanish. Outside the window, rain drums, maintaining an unrelenting rhythm like a weary drummer catching his breath. The walls have soaked up the summer night, no scream can get out of them anymore – just a final, quiet exhalation.

MORA NAI lyrics (TOM)

I search for you, I feel shadows, your body screams, there is no peace. Desire burns, truth fades, night undresses you, I want more. Lira te morum, vasta nai, Solvia merin, vora nai. Legs in the air, soul wanders, dancing in sin, senses are silent. I want to possess you, but I don't know who you are in desire that consumes. Lira vorum, vesta nai, Silen morum, vasta nai. Hands wander, lights go out, body of water, breath suffocates me. Who are you? Where am I? Just desire, just nothing. Mora nai, mora nai, mora nai…

TEARS OF AN ANGEL lyrics (TONY LEUNG)

On the wings of night your cry descends, my angel, with you I feel as in a dream. Your tear on my shoulder, like burning ice, in silence and cold drowns my ancient defiance. Angel, why when you are so close do I feel alone? Why do your falling tears bring me peace and yet pain? At Christmas, the last shared light, the time of our home dissolved. You stay with me in my heart, where I can have you, your tears draw the path that leads me to the dawn. Your tears, a cold flame that heals and hurts, are a gift, not a curse, freeing me in the night. Angel, how can you inflict something so painful upon me? And bring me hope and strength to live? You are the wind carrying memories around my head, in my tears your cry echoes, changing my destiny. Burning tears are a reflection the heart refuses to hide, with every drop that falls upon my back, I can smile again. Angel, in your embrace, all evil vanishes, and with your love in my soul I can overcome anything. They are a gift, not a curse, freeing me in the night. They are a gift, not a curse, freeing me in the night. They are a gift, not a curse, freeing me in the night. They are a gift, not a curse, freeing me in the night. Ča dál probusí, ó tu se na kejsí, ty máče se knádů, posám pose náááá, svou láku sa muší. Burning tears are a reflection the heart refuses to hide, with every drop that falls upon my back, I can smile again. Angel, in your embrace, all evil vanishes, and with your love in my soul I can overcome anything. Burning tears are a reflection the heart refuses to hide, with every drop that falls upon my back, I can smile again. Angel, in your embrace, all evil vanishes, and with your love in my soul I can overcome anything. Ča dál probusí, ó tu se na kejsí, ty máče se knádů, posám pose náááá, svou láku sa muší.

TOM

I walked inside and was immediately struck by that familiar scent I can't even put into words. The door behind me closed with a soft click and I stood there frozen.

My hand was burning from that invisible stamp. That bartender – Milan – was messing with me, sure. But that "nice bump" of his kept ringing in my head. As if he knew why I was coming here. As if everyone knew.

The bar was plunged in semi-darkness. The red light turned faces into masks, bodies into shadows. Laughter wove through the space like mist over a lake. I saw only human outlines, heard muffled conversations, laughter, an occasional cough.

“Damn it,” I whispered to myself. “What am I actually doing here?”

I pressed myself against the wall and tried to look around without looking like a complete idiot. My brain was running at full speed. What if I run into him here? What if Viktor is here right now? What am I going to say to him? Why did I even come? I checked Grindr, but I didn't see him online.

Porn was rattling from the speakers, the sounds mixing with muffled conversation and the scraping of chairs. My pulse was pounding in my temples so loudly I felt like everyone around must be able to hear it.

And then it hit me—this porn cinema… this is Viktor's world. Somewhere around here is where he hides when he disappears. This is where he comes when he doesn't want to be anyone with a name and a past. And I had barged in here like a fool trying to find something that maybe didn't even exist.

For a second, a memory of the showers flashed before my eyes—of his body, of that moment when I first saw him naked. But now it was different, red, perverted. As if that memory belonged to someone else.

The smoke was stinging my eyes even before the door, and I didn't know whether to go further or turn around and get the hell out. But by now it was too late to back down. I had to find out what kind of place this was. I had to know why Viktor comes here.

And maybe I needed to know if I was capable of being part of this world.

I’m standing on the threshold of the smoking room, and my brain isn’t really working. It’s like someone cut me off from my body.

I only see him. Viktor. He’s lying on that leather couch, legs spread wide, knees high above the backrest. Above him, some guy—I don't know who, I only see a hairy chest black as coal, bulging veins, and that monstrous cock disappearing into...

Fuck.

I can’t even draw a breath. I can’t back away, I can’t go further. I’m just stuck in the doorway like an idiot.

Every thrust echoes in the padding of that couch, and Viktor’s whole body is shaking. I see both pleasure and shame in it at once, and that terrifies me the most.

Suddenly Viktor turns his head. His gaze locks straight onto mine.

There’s everything in it—shock, shame, desire... and something like a plea? I don't know what he wants. For me to leave? For me to stay?

That muscle-bound guy doesn't notice a thing, just keeps rhythmically disappearing inside his body. The hair on his belly is slick with sweat.

The world is spinning. I feel my legs turning to jelly, but I still can't take a single step. The stench of sweat, semen, and tobacco suddenly fills my entire head, pushing out the chlorine from the pool and the scent of the Vltava that I could smell just a minute ago. Everything shrinks down to a single heartbeat.

And in the silence between the thrusts, I feel a single thought pulsing in my head:

You bastard.

A spring snapped in my belly. Pure shock. The rubber cord that held me together broke, and my whole body crumbled into atoms.

That image is still right in front of my eyes—Viktor with another guy. As if someone punched me straight in the solar plexus. I actually saw it. Hands, a mouth, a back, and that sound… that sound. The groaning that cut deep into my ears.

My palm finally lifts, the door frame creaks, the door slams and echoes down the hallway.

I'm out of it. Completely out of it. I don't know how I'm making it down the stairs. I'm backing away and the stairs are swaying like a ship's deck. My heart is pounding in my temples. I can't breathe, I can't swallow, I can't stay in that fucking hole for a single second longer.

Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit.

The cold air in the hallway stings my cheeks, but it can't erase the image that has just consumed my world. I'm standing there like an idiot, not knowing what to do. As if I were waiting for the whole thing to turn out to be some sick joke. As if he'd run out behind me and say, "Gotcha, right? I got you."

But he won't rush out.

I feel for the stamp on my wrist – smeared and useless, just like my pride. If they let me back in, what would I even do? Scream at him? Smash up the club? Cry?

At the front door I lean against the wall, in my stomach there's heat and ice, fighting for control. Behind me I hear muffled shouts, in front of me the sluggish night rain.

What did you think, asshole? That you meant something to him?

I look up and water streams down my face; angel tears or rain, it doesn't matter anymore. I feel like a complete idiot. Why did I even follow him? What did I expect to see?

I step out into the night, but Viktor's gaze haunts me like a burning brand. Those eyes when he caught sight of me—surprise, fear, and then... nothing. As if he didn't know me at all.

I turn back once more. Another guy went into the porn cinema.