07.02 VERONIKA – Grey Morning July 14 at 06:30 – 08:30

I'm standing in the middle of the kitchen, mentally replaying the last few weeks. Thoughts are jumping around in my head like wild horses, and I'm trying to catch at least one to understand what's happening to me. I've decided to end it with Tom; I've been dragging this out for way too long. I feel like life is slipping through my fingers and I can't stop it.

I close my eyes and lean against the counter. I feel my stomach knotting up. This isn't the life I dreamed of. The same merry-go-round of duties, worries, and disappointments over and over again. Tom should be my anchor, but instead, I feel like he's dragging me down. I can't shake the impression that he doesn't even see me – as if I were transparent. Yet I'm the one who knows him best, who knows what his face looks like when he's lying, when he's sad, or when he's hiding something. And right now, I feel like he's hiding something big from me.

Things simply aren't working with Tom. Whenever his name pops up on my phone, I just feel frustration and an emptiness spreading through my whole body. Every text from him is superficial and pointless, as if I couldn't have any meaningful conversation with him. Just phrases and empty words. No depth, no real interest. Why do I keep repeating this to myself over and over? Why can't I simply accept that it's over and it's time to move on? Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in memories of something that maybe never even existed. Zuzajda is looking at me with her sad eyes, as if she knows exactly what I'm going through. At least she understands me.

But right now, as I'm getting ready to cook lunch and Hungarian goulash is racing through my mind, I hear the doorbell.

"I don't believe this," I whisper to myself when I open the door and see Tom. His presence catches me off guard, but I don't manage to say anything.

Without a word, he grabs me and pushes me onto the bed. He lies down beside me and puts his head in my lap. He starts kissing me – gently at first, then more passionately – and suddenly everything is different. At that moment, I forget all those thoughts about breaking up. My body reacts before my brain, and my hands automatically plunge into his hair. I smell his scent, a mix of pool chlorine and the cologne I gave him for his birthday. It flashes through my mind how many times I imagined this would never happen again. How many times I told myself it was over between us. But now, with his lips on mine, I can't think about anything else except that this is happening. Zuzajda whimpers softly by the door, but I'm forgetting even about her now, because Tom's closeness has pushed everything else out of my mind.

I don't resist him. I don't want to deal with anything; I just want a moment of silence, peace for my thoughts that are racing through my head like wild horses. But Tom doesn't care about my wishes and simply uses me. He doesn't see the scar on my skin that I made yesterday; he sees nothing except his own needs. His touches are mechanical, as if he were fulfilling some task.

When it's over, he lies next to me partially covered by the duvet and I watch his exposed ass, perfectly sculpted from all those workouts. I feel emptiness. My brother appears in the door, stops for a moment: „Is there anything to eat?“ Then he rolls his eyes and disappears just as quickly. I hear his footsteps in the hallway fading away. Another awkward situation for the collection. Zuzajda whines quietly by the door and I don't have the strength to get up and take care of her.

Tom chuckles, pulls on his pants and vanishes without a word. I am in shock at how quickly everything happened – no greeting upon arrival, no goodbye. Just the emptiness consuming me with every step he takes toward the door.

As soon as he leaves, I pick up my phone and block his number without hesitation. It's over – the end of everything between me and Tom. I feel a tear roll down my cheek, but I quickly wipe it away. I've already shed enough tears over someone who couldn't care less about me. Zuzajda runs up to me and rests her head on my lap, as if she knows I need at least someone's closeness right now. I stroke her fur and realize that this decision should have been made a long time ago.

When my phone vibrates, at first I think it's Tom. But then Martina appears on the screen.

„Hey, Marti,“ I say, trying hard to suppress the remnants of sadness in my voice.

„Is practice happening today?“

„Sure, don't worry,“ Martina smiles on the other end. „How are you? What was that scene at the pool? Jakub told me it was crazy.“

I feel as if someone squeezed my gallbladder and then let it go. "Nothing major," I reply, even though it's still weighing on my stomach. "Tom just... it doesn't matter anymore."

"You and Tom? That sounds like a never-ending story," Martina says, and I feel the corners of my mouth naturally lift into a smile.

"No, not anymore," I quickly reply. "It's over between us."

"Oh," Martina sighs and then changes the subject. "Are you looking forward to practice?"

"So much," I admit without hesitation. Moments with Martina feel to me like a shore I can cuddle up to amid the waves of my own emotions. She is one of the few people who give me a sense of certainty and purpose.

"Great," Martina says in a cheerful voice. "See you at the pool."

"Yeah," I confirm and hang up.

I place the phone next to me on the bed and stare ahead. Training with Martina will be an escape from everything for me – from Tom, from problems at home, from the heaviness in my heart.

Martina is not only a great trainer, but also a friend. I can talk to her about anything and I know she is listening. She can motivate me even in moments when I feel like I can't go on anymore.

I get out of my bed and start getting ready for training. I have to forget about the bad and focus on the good – on that little oasis of calm and understanding that the time spent with Martina in the water provides me.