I am not a full-time artist. But I got a commission for a painting when a lot is going on in my life.
At night I clicked through a few blogs of my inspirations (Diana Kassim, Martin – even after years I can't put his name together, probably revenge for people not getting mine) and read their thoughts, what's racing through their heads.
The story of a ring (Diana Kassim) and the story of departure (Martin), simply blog posts that go deep.
My depth is on the surface, however – from going to work (experiencing something others have experienced and will experience routinely – a sort of despair from pointless work).
What did I learn this week? Paraphrase.
Buddha: Life is suffering.
Me: Do not disdain work that humbles the heart.
Buddha: Utrpení neexistuje.
Me: Follow your heart humbly wherever it leads you.
It probably lacks that depth, because to write out how I got to this would take many lines, about as many as the steps I walked around the Railway Administration building.
I received a twofold feedback on work I did many years ago. One concerning an initiation, one an interpretation, both arriving at a time when I had mentally and spiritually set some of that aside. Perhaps so that despair would not reign in my soul.
As a cure for Dianu Kassim a Martina I was struck by the idea of light hidden within darkness – that not all light is light and not all darkness is darkness. And also destiny – which sometimes lies in the little things, much like Gandalf once said something about Gollum, that his time would come – and perhaps I too (and by extension everyone) live for such a moment – when it is decided what role we will play.
In short, Martin as if came to believe (I'm not saying he actually believed it) that all his work had been in vain (though he perhaps rather related his work to the whole world, and maybe just because people think what kind of influence they have – and yet as he says – they don't) – how much I can relate to that…
And Diana Kassim, just like Martin, in a very personal confession – where one has the feeling of hearing her, as if she were saying it right now at a quarter to four in the morning to me specifically, shares the story of her mother and her ring, and a message about freedom.
And a lot is happening in my life – I go to work, I feel it's time to move on, I do readings, I'm trying out AI (nerve wracking, taking my energy), I reproach myself for not writing, in my mind I'm composing the second season of Šmírající koníček – when will its time come? – I meet men, lay out cards, see the essence – I'm giving up memory techniques (Oh Jakub Pok, even after a year I don't feel any smarter – I lack the willpower to learn anything – or the time?) and I understand the world less and less.
Everyone is shouting (at work, because they have to) and I put on my first wireless headphones – more like earplugs – and they shout at me again that I can't hear – and perhaps I don't even want to.
I hide in my black mouse hole in Hloubětín, where I gather strength – to understand myself, and by extension the world within me – because if I don't understand myself – I understand – nothing.
And behind it – behind all of that – I look for light (the kind that Tami Stronach offers as the Childlike Empress to Bastian – by the way, Tami Stronach just announced her new film Man and Witch) and I'm also thinking about how important it is for me to learn how to handle a weapon (the world is turning into hell and I felt I was supposed to learn it) and in the middle of that I find out that Atrey, the warrior – respectively Noah Hathaway is a licensed shooting instructor and I drive past a shooting school on the way to Sabinovka…
If only I could perceive my light more, or my heart. For now, taking Amálka out for a walk (when I return home dead from work) and finishing (or perhaps starting) painting Tales of Tales will have to suffice. And cooking something. And cleaning.
I light a cigarette.
